Architect

Architect wanted with cool exterior, and studied manner required by established company. Part teacher, part practitioner, part writer, candidate may be a kind of new-age Leonardo dabbling in disciplines for which he has neither training nor skill. When there is no work in the office candidate should be willing to write a manifesto or two; when there is nothing to write he should be able to deliver a lecture on some obscure but promising new theory of design like the Proto-Renaissance and its influence on Secular Architecture. Architect’s credentials however must be impeccable – a diploma from a five-year programme from a recognized school, a specialist degree in some sort of related architectural field like urban design, city planning, backed by a specialist course in Third World Development Patterns from Princeton, Sorbonne or Harvard. Low-key, cool, gently urbane with just the right doses of reticence and cynicism, architect’s expression should be a little aloof, the face always displaying a palpable concern at any discussion of rural poverty. Soft-spoken, prone to mumbling when dealing with statistics, but able to debate freely in private forums of other architects, mixing historical references from obscure periods with contemporary design dictums, candidate should be able to discuss Akbar and Edwin Lutyens, the Bohra Houses of Gujarat and the ruins of Machu Picchu with equal passion. Must excel in the display of his grasp of Indian mythology, folklore and traditional texts, even though the feet may be firmly anchored in the latest trend from America. On the whole a tough, insightful, deeply philosophical, but pragmatic individual, with a keen eye for tweed jackets and muffler.

Apply Box Box 999

Wanted: DOYEN

Ministry of Culture seeks candidates for Doyen of Indian art. Large round women with billowing white hair and tribal saris are encouraged to apply. Candidates must talk in a monotone, saying little and punctuating their words with profound sighs and resonant silences. Phrases like ‘folk tradition’, ‘cosmic unity’ and ‘essence of being’ should come easily to them. In matters of culture no one should be able to claim to know more. Applicants must be willing to save India’s ancient heritage by selling it abroad. Candidates must travel tirelessly in search of foreign countries wishing to host year-long festivals. While in India they must travel tirelessly in search of acrobats and dancing monkeys willing to perform at festivals. Applicants for doyen must be middle-aged and live a frugal life with their own small collection of haveli doors, Rajasthani chairs and ethnic mats, in the evenings and candidates must entertain foreign guests with expensive scotch served in mud bowls.

Box 212.

  • LEFTIST

    A newly established Calcutta-based trade union requires staunch leftist immediately. Candidate for post of leftist must live the alternative lifestyle. His manner of speech, his style of walk, his choice of clothes should owe nothing to his capitalist father against whose lifestyle he has chosen to rebel. Applicant should be a fuzzy composition of unkempt hair, granny glasses and Trotsky beard. Must wear ordinary kurta-pajama and rubber chappals, on his shoulder a Rajasthani cloth bag containing a collection of his own poems, the complete works of Vladimir Satrofky; under it, a brown paper-covered copy of The Reticent Nymphomaniac. He must spend hours walking around art galleries gazing at canvases with all the studied scrutiny of a critic. He must be willing to walk past a landscape so he can admire the black canvas with the white dot on it, so as to test his intellectual prowess, his esoteric sense of wonder, his ideology of isolation, bringing to his mind one man’s hope swimming in a sea of inhumanity and madness. Outwardly said candidate must be a rebel. Till the time that his hardworking father pays the expenses of his free-wheeling lifestyle. But when he is older, more mature, applicant must be willing to join his father’s business.
    Apply Box 379.

  • LAB ASSISTANT

    Lab assistance required with no working knowledge of medicine or Clinical Laboratory Science.
    Candidate must dress up in white to look like a lab assistant and take stool and urine samples from unsuspecting patients. He must be willing to make long lists of incoming funds, occasionally sticking a note in his own pocket. By 11 AM when last of the patients has departed, and all the samples firmly lodged in the municipal garbage dump said assistant must do some real work. Must be willing to count loose notes in mounting piles of fives and tens, and register a tidy sum of Rupees Fifty Thousand as official income. Late afternoon, said assistant should open copybook and against each listed name come up with lucid biological description of medical result in variety of options: Satish Banga, Age 45 – Jardiasis, Semi Focal ++, Kamla Ratnagar Age 62, Amebiosis ++ Ova, John Lennon, Age Dead, Assaniasis + Bullet.
    Box 3

  • Wanted TERRORIST

    Government-sponsored militant group requires Dreaded Terrorist for immediate position as Grade II officer with Type IV house allotment. Candidates for post of Dreaded Terrorist must be well versed in subversive tactics and be able to blow bridges and buildings at moment’s notice. Must have first-hand experience in blowing themselves up.
    Apply Box 0

  • SCIENTIST WANTED

    National Institute of Scientific Research requires seasoned scientist to work on major Nobel Prize winning invention. The last major Indian invention, the discovery of zero occurred in the 2nd Century B.C. Therefore, scientist must have working knowledge of prize winning schemes and should be able to put up convincing work in chemistry or physics for due recognition by Nobel Committee. Should be able to copy formulae and transpose data from previous experiments without undue fuss. Knowledge of organic chemistry and basic physics helpful though not necessary.
    Apply PO Box 1+2-3x2.

  • wAnteD:steno

    Candidates applying for the post of steno should be scholars of eminence, with independent published work of high standard and with experience of teaching post graduate classes in an accredited university or research organization, and with considerable knowledge of public administration like tying ribbons on old government folders, making four carbons of every document, and filing material which can never be located again. Candidates for this position must posess a Masters degree in communication, cooking, and cleaning. Mowing the lawn a must. Speed reading, typing and lounging about advantageous
    Box 42.

  • WANTED: RESEARCHER

    CANDIDATES APPLYING FOR POST OF RESEARCHER SHOULD HAVE CONSIDERABLE EXPERIENCE IN WRITING DULL LENGTHY PAPERS ON ARCHAIC SUBJECTS, AND MUST HAVE AN UNCANNY ABILITY TO EXPRESS THEMSELVES AT GREAT LENGTH ON MATTERS THAT CAN BE SUMMED UP EASILY IN A FEW WORDS. INDIVIDUALS MUST BE FAMILIAR WITH THE WORKS OF SARTRE, AND JOACHIM D’TUA SO THEY MAY QUOTE THEM LIBERALLY IN THEIR WORK. THEY MUST BE WILLING TO SPEND LONG HOURS IN LIBRARY CARRELS READING, EATING AND SLEEPING, CANDIDATES MUST BE OF MILD DEMEANOR AND BE GRATEFUL FOR RECEIVING THANKS IN THE ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS SECTION OF A BOOK THEY HAVE WRITTEN ENTIRELY. SALARY COMMENSURATE WITH DEGREE OF HUMILITY.
    BOX. 3.7

  • WANTED INTELLECTUAL

    A leading Kolkata coffee house requires urban intellectuals for late evening shift. Candidate must be familiar with archaic philosophy and be willing to sit in the middle of the restaurant and discuss loudly the relevance of Existentialism and the isolationist ideology of Marxist art. Applicants will be required to wear kurta and blue jeans, and carry a cheap shoulder bag. Through their anti establishment rhetoric, candidates must rant and rave across soiled table tops about the blackness of the human condition. Applicants must be able to deliver ideology with conviction, through mouthfuls of samosa and tea, before paying with a Diners Club credit card valid only in India and Nepal

  • WANTED: AIRLINE STEWARDESS

    Beautiful Brahmin stewardresses with creamy white complexion and low cut blouses required for passengers in the Indian airlines business class. Must be down to earth, willing to laugh off crude jokes, occasional back slapping, thigh thumping and press making, knowledge of Sartre, Nietzsche and the metaphysical poets not essential, but knowledge of stocks, debentures and commodity prices helpful. Candidates should be able to change soiled head-rests without cringing, and willingly place briefcases full of Hundred Rupee notes into the baggage compartments above the seats. Girl’s breast size only consideration.
    Box 482

  • WANTED: DON

    Lucrative opening in the underworld Mafia operation for able Don, with experience in real estate, protection rackets, contract killings and drug deals. Said Don should be able to provide the drug cartel with full time supervision, money laundering business, and rape operations. Sodomy and Juvenile Crime would also fall within his purview, including money in contractual sexual harassment. Experience in kidnapping CEOs of major industries a must. Candidate should know he is entering a profession with infinite possibilities. If he has a grudge against civil society and want to take action, then he is on the right track.
    Box 1.

  • WANTED: GAS VICTIMS

    Well established cyanide plant seeks young and old victims for its regular late night gas leaks. Applicants must be healthy, active wage earners or pregnant mothers, and must be willing to inhale deeply so they may lose their vision for life.
    Apply Box 31.